This statement is so true. The first question, "how could he/she?" If you were in  a similar circumstance then I have some news for you. The answer to that question is because they enjoy control over you. Narcissistic people love the power of feeling like they are in control. They are only into themselves and get power and energy by hurting others, but manipulating you into staying with them anyways. If you are in this situation... well, take my own personal advice from my own situation. RUN. People like that will only hurt you, and if you stay they will probably get worse. I know my situation did... It went from mental to mental/verbal to mental/verbal/physical. If it hasn't gotten that far then please escape it before it gets that bad. If they are that bad then please run before it is too late. Make it out alive, and I say that with all seriousness.  People like this just get more and more dangerous.

     The second question, "What did I do wrong?" My hunnies you did nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing. They want you to believe that you did something wrong so that you fall to their knees begging them for forgiveness. It's almost as though they want you to worship everything about them. DONT! You are giving them more power to hurt you and hurt other people. Don't give them that control. Be stronger than them. I will be here every step of the way for those who need me. I will help you through this. You can trust me because I had to be ripped out of a toxic situation that I would have continued to be in if it weren't for my family and closest friends. They saved my life. If not from him, they saved me from myself. If you are reading this then I want to tell you it's gonna be okay. And don't say it won't because I am promising you that it will. If you are like me I would be saying I can't trust anybody, but please trust me. I believe in you. I trust that you can get through this. It will be okay. Get a good cry out. Scream if you have to. Then follow this advice. In the end it's gonna be okay and I will be here for you every step of your individual journeys. 

     

                                                           

The broken and unspoken

Toxic Infatuation

  You're happy?

 Then I'm crying

Cause your high,

 Is me dying inside

You are the blade 

Ripping open my thigh

My tears of crimson blood

Ask for your forgiveness

How can I fix this?

There goes my wrists 

 My arteries split

            Liquified heart

Her heart is a river that flows through her veins

Trying to take her own life, it left crimson stains

Her scars reminding her of how she once numbed the pain

Making it harder to continue to refrain

For no matter how hard she tried, she still felt the same

Above are 2 poems I wrote when I wanted to end my life, but I am slowly overcoming this pain. If anyone out there has or does feel this way, I am reaching out to you. It's not to late to be strong. Now or never is a false statement.                        It is never too late.

BE FREEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

free·dom

ˈfrēdəm/

noun

1. the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.

   
   

   "we do have some freedom of choice" (googles definition of freedom)

          My definition of freedom: My definition of freedom is being able to run in a field of endless sunflowers as far as I can. Smiling and laughing in a long white dress. Being able to run as far as I can where possibility's never end. Dancing and singing on the top of my lungs while I throw my hands in the air... Not having a single worry in the world. Getting lost in nature and being able to be myself.

          Another way I perceive freedom is being able to be brave. Defy the unloving nature of a lot of this world. Embrace my normally happy personality and spread it like a wildfire. The secret to what has kept me going in this world is living to help others. If I can make you smile for even a split second then that would make me happy. Freedom for me is to letting other people know that it is okay to be free. I don't care if I don't know you. I love each and everyone of you. You were put on this earth for a reason, and I need you here. Everyone has their own personal strengths and talents. If you don't want to live for yourself, I beg you to live for me. You are all so special, and this world needs you. This world can be harsh so lets do everything we can to fix it. End this hatred! End this fight with me today. You are all strong enough so lets surrender to the world with the most tender and kind parts of our hearts. We will all get through this together loves!

What is your interpretation of freedom? Feel free to comment in the comments section below and tell me what you think! I would love to know your opinions!

           

Today I would say has been one of those days that have been much harder. Sometimes it is so hard to refrain from self-harm even though I know it is not worth it. My mind is filled with memories that you would see out of a horror movie. It is sad that something like out of a horror movie has happened to me in real life. Unfortunately, there are people out there like that though. Nights like tonight, I find myself trembling as I can see everything in the past so clearly. PTSD is very real. I will wake up sometimes multiple times in one night drenched in sweat, shaking, yelling, and sobbing in my sleep. I am learning to come to the realization that these are only dreams. Learning to not let these horrific dreams overrule my life, making everyday a bad day. Sometimes my mind, heart, and soul hurt so bad I want to scream and shutdown. I want to just go crazy, and run as far as I can. It feels as though I live in my own hell. I am stuck in my mind, and being poked and prodded with my own thoughts. I need to learn to live out of my thoughts, and live in the moment.  But I won't let "his" actions tear me up anymore. I won't tear myself up anymore. I can do this and be okay. Also, if I can build myself back up; Anyone of you with similar experiences can do so too. I believe in each and everyone of you. Never give up. 

Overdosed now I'm over you

*I've been ridding myself
of your poison*

If I had tasted your lips again

I would’ve never came back

Just a little of you 

could make anyone overdose

I tried to pull you up

I tried to show I cared

but you fell and you were never there

you took a toll on me

one the rehab couldn’t fix

I needed to save myself

not to taste your lips

I would never wish you dead

 but I do hope you get a taste of your own medicine 

 Maybe with the next girl

You could try and be a gentleman

Tears saved for a rainy day

 Staring in blank space, as the raindrops kiss my face.
The sky is crying because you are lying...
(A line I once wrote)

 It was a long autumn day; As the ageing leaves fell from the old oak trees, you could tell that the seasons were slowly transitioning into fall... And as the days grew colder, so did her heart. But like the leaves from the old oak tree, she fell for him each and everyday. Until winter came and the hollow trees were stripped  of their leaves... to leave her heart feeling bare and naked...How could she possibly want to obtain something that forced her to feel so cold and empty inside like that vacant hollow tree she had seen far too many times before?...

How I survived

This is the story of a teenage girl: me. I was a girl with big dreams and the imagination of a five year old. I embraced the parts of me that wanted to make the world a better place. I fought against the idea of the world as a terrible place, but I gradually lost myself to someone I thought I could trust.

I fell in love.

The relationship soured as quickly as it started. I soon realized that I had gotten into a toxic relationship. I was physically and verbally abused. After months of this treatment the little girl with dreams was forced to mature and started abusing herself. I went from someone who wanted to save the world to a person in a downward spiral who needed to save herself. I fell in love with a sick person. Their abuse caused me to attempt taking my own life on multiple occasions. I would collapse in the floor sobbing saying, "I'm so sorry" over and over again, cutting into my own flesh. I told myself that I wasn't good enough, how I didn't deserve any of my family or anyone in this world.

I lost myself in a world of chaos and didn't believe that I could ever get back up again. I am still struggling, but I'm also slowly climbing out of the dark hole of depression and anxiety. Because of the abuse I suffered at the hands of my now ex-boyfriend, I was diagnosed with PTSD - something that I had previously believed was something I'd only heard about in relation to military personnel.

The purpose of this blog is to document my own progress dealing with PTSD and improving my overall mental well being. Along the way I am going to provide tips that have helped me through some of my own darkest times in the hopes that I can help someone through the same or similar issues.


LIST OF A COUPLE OF THINGS YOU CAN DO:

• Talk to someone!!! (Guys I can't express how important this is! You can get through this on your own I promise, but just talking to someone can change everything. If you feel as though you can't talk to anyone, or just need someone else to talk to, I would be honored to talk to anyone who needs it. You are so special!)

• Reinforce Positive Affirmations: Yes, I know we don't always want to look at those quotes that make life seem as though it was all unicorns and rainbows. But looking at those sad quotes will only make your self-esteem decrease, and make you think of the worst scenario possible in the things that you are going through. I saying this from experience.

• Rephrase those negative thoughts: Thinking negatively about yourself or others never results in a happy ending. And you deserve that happy ending. (No buts, wells, kind of's!!) You deserve to be happy!!!  For example, instead of saying something such as "I hate myself", try saying "I have things I really need to work on, but I am a good person for realizing my flaws and trying to do something about it".